How is avoiding toxic people a double-edged sword?

We are bombarded with all sort of mantras that claim to be the recipe to achieve happiness or success. There's positive psychology, law of attraction, NLP and the light use of terms like narcissist. I am not against being informed and interested in becoming a better person. We owe it to ourselves and to the ones around us.

After thirty five years or reading self-help books and attending therapy both individually and in groups, I have decided to give myself the gift of just being. I am saturated with all the studying and decided I will now take a sabbatical to just apply my "knowledge". The word knowledge is in quotes because I have realised that we all perceive only bits of the full body of knowledge. It is what resonates with us that we pay attention to, what our unconscious thoughts allow us to connect with. 

It has been a very revealing period. A few weeks ago, I was feeling "stuck" and decided, for the first time in my life, not to take action, but to rather "go with the flow". This is something that doesn't come naturally to someone who grew up being a doer. I cannot blame my upbringing for having behaved the way I did. 

I have understood, as of late, that I am not familiar with expressing some of my more "vain" needs. I have been able to adapt to all sorts of different environments from a young age. This is a very useful skill that has served me well. 

I want to take a moment to show gratitude for all the actions I have taken in the past and the decisions as to what to not express and to give beyond what I was being asked to give. My past actions cannot be undone and they led me to where I am now. I wouldn't change a single person who is in my life right now, so I do not regret the path that brought me here. 

I do acknowledge that there is a different way in which I want to carry myself from now on. I hope this resonates with some of you, that's why I'm sharing it here. This is not a pretentious blog, rather a personal journal about my experiences past mid-life. I want to share the knowledge about ageing and becoming a wiser and happier person I feel I am in my fifties. 

I want to elaborate on the mantra to "avoid toxic relationships". Why do I say it can be a double-edged sword?

First of all, we must know what rules the way in which we behave ourselves. Recently my attention was caught by this phrase: "We give beyond what we are asked to because we need others to do the same for us". Notice the word need instead of expect. Sometimes we are aware of the expectation for reciprocity. Like when we entertain, we expect parties from our friends in return. It is only fair/normal that there is a give-and-take in our everyday life. 

The problem arises when we give out of our own initiative to people who act according to a different unspoken language. The story we are telling ourselves is not the same story others are telling themselves. That's why we learn how to communicate. Unfortunately communication is taught at a very basic level. We learn the meaning of words in a particular language, mostly related to objects and particular scientific definitions. We also learn words for emotions that are portrayed in particular ways in stories that are written, told or performed. 

I believe we are born with most of our personality. The way we react is determined by our genes that include ancestral memories. There is so much information that is decoded as we grow physically in life. Scientists have discovered that genes are activated or deactivated depending on our lifestyle. So we are no longer prisoners to a pre-determined destiny. We can improve and aim at a better/happier life without a doubt. 

We are given a hand of cards with our relatives and friends. We are told to avoid the "toxic" ones, where the loose definition of toxic implies anyone who disturbs our balanced peace of mind. That includes a range of people: from those who behave in ways that we dislike to the ones who affect our physical and mental well-being for the worse. 

There are some people that we can avoid and that's that. How about the ones we can't? Is your boss toxic? Your sibling? Parents? Partner? There are some relationships that we have to "put up" with because we cannot live a life running away from whatever makes us uncomfortable. Some of them can catch up with you wherever you go. 

As with all the mantras we are exposed to, in abundance, the ones that resonate the most with us are the ones that we are already practicing. For example, if you're an optimist, you'll stand behind positive psychology. After all, you've been applying it in your own life and it seems to work. Positive psychology, in this case, reinforces your belief. 

There is a selection to what we listen to, depending on our unconscious mind. We are not aware of all the stories we are telling ourselves. We interpret situations depending on the beliefs that we have inherited from our ancestors. And the combinations of these ancient beliefs depend on the combination of genes we ended up with. That's why we can be so different from our siblings.

My most important teachers recently have been my own children. I can see what I lack in what they have. I am doing my best to respect their personalities and, lately, I have decided to feel more than I engage in projects or ideas. And I have been able to feel their anxiety and their joy. In breathing and allowing my body to get in touch with the sensations around me: temperature, tension in my muscles, etc., I am more mindful of what I'm thinking.

Since we all have different stories playing in our brain, we interpret the mantras in different ways. Make sure you don't withdraw or isolate yourself as you "avoid toxic people". You might be the one who is creating the poisonous thoughts about the way in which you interact with those around you. If they are your loved ones, like your children, double-check your behaviour towards them. 

Are you over-performing as a parent? Are you feeling anxious about things you cannot control? This is normal and can be the drive we need to become a better version of ourselves. Just make sure you keep it within levels of sanity and well-being for you. 

You cannot avoid everyone who you dislike, so be wary of the above mantra. Start by becoming aware of your own toxic beliefs and thoughts. Question your behaviour towards those people in your life. Once you know what is unbalancing for you, put boundaries in place and articulate your needs. This is simple for those who were born assertive, the rest of us must practice until we become a more advanced version of ourselves.

What kind of person are you? Are there toxic people in your life? What is keeping you from avoiding those you can do without? Does a loved one create tension in you? Are you sure it is not your own demands as to how to treat this loved one that is causing the tension?

Let me know if this has been helpful. There is so much more we can discuss. Would love to brainstorm with you.